At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.