My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
are they though??
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.