We have a winner.
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People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.