How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Its true…
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.