You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
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My dog ate my work from home.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Phonetics
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*