CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
rapatouille
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*