when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
when you don’t want to be too vague
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Employees must applaud the planets.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!