[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Blew my mind.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: