Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
This one’s “Alex”.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.