That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
This one’s “Alex”.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.