Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent