[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮