when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Okay me first
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware