[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Don’t we all.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.