why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You Might Also Like
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
#polloftheday
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.