[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.