I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Software Development ⛵️
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.