Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus