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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”