Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Its a hippotatomus
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”