I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.