You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.