You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night