Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.