♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury