“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
love it when they get my name right
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…