“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92