BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
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10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.