me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
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Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
No, YOUR illiterate.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history