My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
mom had nothing to worry about
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.