I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
People buying plungers never look happy.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.