Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
This is no longer winter this is harassment