Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator