A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me :
All Day At Night
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.