Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks