When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“I’m helping” 😅
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Not today.. 😂
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.