If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
You Might Also Like
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Weirdos gonna weird.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.