sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.