I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?