that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
the way this pissed me off… 😭
HELP 😭
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
This meal prepping shit easy
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Its a hippotatomus
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.