Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this