I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
the rocks need my help
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.