choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
A family that plays together cheats.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.