If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!