Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house