My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Happy thanksgiving!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down