In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.