My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy