I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
i actually laughed 😩
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.