Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
You Might Also Like
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Got ya covered
sin harder.
Hero horse inspires millions
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Message from the dog groomers
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop